I cannot believe - do not WANT to believe - that we’re gearing down.  Only three weeks until time to head back to work full-time for Greg and school for the kids and I.  I’ve been sorely disappointed with the weather of the past few weeks - it’s nearly three weeks since we’ve had a full day of sunshine.  Some days are sporadic sunny breaks, but mostly grey and cloudy and usually rainy.  Yesterday we had a fair amount of sun, but it even rained when it was sunny!!!!

So, I’m trying to not panic.  And just enjoy the rest of the summer.  We do have really pleasant, even swimmable weather til mid to late September, so I think our school schedule will be very relaxed until October.  I have some curriculum ordered.  Need to finish my ordering, but I may leave some of it until September.  Spread the cost out a little bit.    Now that I have more of an idea what I’m doing as far as curriculum goes, I think we’ll likely try to order throughout the year, again for cost reasons.  I could spend sooo much money just on books alone - picture books, chapter books, books to read together, out-loud…..There’s a lot of stuff out there, people!  We’re going to make a more concerted effort at using our library this year.  And for sanity’s sake, we’ll be doing a mid-week trip to town for some lessons (swimming for sure, though Cole wants to take karate or the like, so we may try to fit that in as well). 

So, if it weren’t for the fact that the end of summer means fall, which means 59,382,093 days of winter close behind, I’m actually getting excited.  It’s been loads of fun perusing my catalogues and websites, and choosing what to buy now, and what to wait on.  This is the first year I’ve gotten this much stuff, mostly because last year I was, well, post-partum, need I say more, and the two years before that was only Cole in kindergarten and first grade.  So we didn’t do much.  Cole’s a big third grader now, so you know, it’s a big deal!  Brett is also a kindergartener, by the province’s standard, though I’m planning to do the Rod & Staff Preschool books with him.  We have a few other fun “school only” activities for both him and Eliana.  I think overall, it is going to be a great year.  I’m getting into my groove.

Speaking of which, the one thing I’ve learned over my first three years as a homeschool mom….I have to do it MY way.  I need and want advice from the pros - the moms who have been doing this for a while - but I can’t try to model my approach after anyone else.  It doesn’t work.  Well, it hasn’t so far.  This is truly such an individual way of living.  Though we’re all homeschoolers, every one of us has different needs, as families, as the moms/teachers, and as the children.  I’m so thankful to be able to be home with my children, and choose how and what and where we do “school”. 

Until October though, I may not be around much still.  I love blogging, but honestly haven’t even kept up with reading my Bloglines since CHRISTMAS!!!!  Once we’re all tucked away for the winter though, I’m sure I’ll be around much more again. 

We’re getting set up for a photo shoot in the fall as an exchange with a lady who needs some sewing done.  Also, fall brings the warm days and crisp nights and apple picking and garden harvesting.  It’s a season to be embraced, and this year, instead of despising it, I will be out enjoying it as much as possible.

So, happy end of summer.  Enjoy these last hot, lazy days!  Savour the sunshine, and go for lots of walks.  I will do my best to enjoy and not dread the months ahead of me.  I have a few things on the back burner, things that I’m planning to help make winter more endurable, and maybe even enjoyable. 

I sure would love to have a wood stove! 

We have had some technical difficulties, but it’s all good now.  I won’t be back to regular blogging until fall, I suspect.  Too much summer to enjoy!  And just in case I hadn’t mentioned it before (ha, ha), I don’t like winter.  So I’m out and about as much as possible.  We’re all nicely tanned, our garden is growing, though it went in late, so who knows what we’ll actually harvest.  It’s fun for the kids to watch though.  We’re boating, swimming and just generally getting the most out of this season.  I may sporadically post, but for the most part, I’ll see you in the fall!

Yesterday was our country’s birthday.  We are now 141 years old!  Just a young and spritely dominion are we.

We had a bbq, swimming, boating, and then took the kids into town to see the fireworks.  They all enjoyed themselves.  And even Damara, only 13 mos. old, loved the lights.  I remember at least two of my other ones being scared of the noise and lights when really young, but she was just bouncing and clapping and laughing.  It was fun to watch!

There are many things I love about being Canadian.  Freedom, first and foremost.  Although with the events of the past couple of years, sometimes I think we aren’t as free as we suppose ourselves to be.  There are also things about being Canadian that I don’t like, or that are just plain embarrassing.  However, overall, in spite of the faults of our wonderful nation (what country is without faults?), I am so proud to be able to call myself Canadian.  I pray that our nation will continue to be what it was intended to be, from it’s very foundation, and that, like the words on the Peace Tower in Ottawa, God would have “dominion from sea to sea.”

Well, I’ve missed my Food for Thought posts two weeks in a row now.  I’ve been in the studio recording the past two Fridays!  It’s grand fun, challenging, frustrating, exhilarating, and exhausting all at once.  I am collaborating on another cd with Gayla, and we’re nearly done the recording end of things.  I was blown away by a sweet young lady Gayla brought in to help with the background vocals.  Her name is Becka, she is 23, and blind.  And oh, what a voice!  Tomorrow I am going to Gayla’s church to help her with “special music.”  This is a challenge for me.  I am not a lover of church as we know it in North America.  So spending my Sunday morning away from my family in a Baptist church is not my favourite thing to do.  But I know it means a lot to her, so I will do it. 

“Life can be so good.  Life can be so hard.  Never knowing what each day will bring to where you are.”

 These are the first lines of the song I sang at my graduation.  “My Life is in Your Hands.”  Beautiful song.  I need to sing it again once in a while, just to remind myself.  Remind myself that I’m not in charge.  I have no control.  Only God does.  And to learn that is truly a beautiful thing.

The tensions around here are lessened.  I ended up being the one to break the ice.  Feelings have been discussed.  Irritations have been acknowledged.  Hands have been shaken.  Some of the issues that have come out are pretty much just plain ridiculous.  Still we choose to forgive.  We still intend to put in a fence.  I doubt I will ever feel completely comfortable with a social worker living two doors down.  They can see our back yard plainly.  So a privacy fence will make it pleasant around here again.  We’ll be able to really enjoy ourselves without the stress of being watched. 

So I choose to refocus.  I’m working at purging and deep cleaning every room in our house over the next couple of weeks.  It always takes longer than I plan, and then I get discouraged.  In fact, I was well on my way, before spring ever hit, to having the whole place spring cleaned.  But life happened, and cleaning and organizing took the back seat.  As a step of faith towards selling our other property and heading into some renovations here, I’m getting things ready. 

And I am thankful.  So blessed and thankful for the six people God has given me to live life with.  My kids and I have our moments of course - what family doesn’t - and I openly admit to them that I’m learning as much as they are.  My character still needs pruning.  And they forgive and keep loving me.  My husband continues to be totally devoted to me.  There are so many things in my life that are hard.  But there could many that are much worse. 

I’d rather put up with the difficulties I am personally walking through daily, if it means loving and being loved by these wonderful blessings in my life.  Even when it means stepping on glue sticks in the bathtub. 

Well, the sale of the other house has gone through.  At least I’m assuming it has.  It is not longer listed on MLS or the listing agent’s site.  Soooo, I guess we’re staying here.  Which is really hard.  But I guess we have no choice.  We could of course look into other houses, but they would have to be all that and then some to make it worth the loss of our beach. 

We need wisdom.  And grace.  And a quick sale of our mobile/lot in Mactaquac.  We do have someone interested in rent-to-own, but we really need the cash up front to be able to put up the fence and do some renos at this house. 

Yes, I am angry.  And hurt.  No, I do not think I’m not being a good Christian by feeling this way.  Even Jesus got angry.  So far, I don’t see that I’ve sinned in this situation, so I feel that right now I’m in good standing.  Please don’t preach at me right now.  I know all the same verses you do.  For likely about as long as you have.  I need to process, and pray, and let the Holy Spirit work His peace in me.  It won’t help if you start throwing Scripture verses or Christianese at me right now. 

Also, am I the only one who thinks that Social Services needs to revamp their obligation/anonymity policy?  I mean, if there is truly a very obvious case of abuse or neglect, and you’ve tried to talk to the parents, I can see wanting to be able to quietly report it.  But even the social worker who handled our case two years ago said that most of the time, the reports/accusations are unfounded.  So I think that number one, if a person feels obligated to report a situation they need to first be asked if they’ve spoken with the persons involved.  If they have, they proceed with the guarantee of anonymity, unless the accusations are found to be false, and then the identity is allowed to be given to the accusee.  I bet that would stop a lot of the “axe to grind” reporting that goes on.  In fact, our own social worker asked me if I knew of anyone who had/has any issues with me.  Yeah, I can think of a couple of people.  Not that I’ve really done anything.  They just can’t stand me.  Poor them. 

And, we really did see that house several years ago, and it was truly love at first site.  There has been lots of doubt over the past few days as we’ve investigated our options about the level of regret I might feel if we gave up our waterfrontage.  At this point, I feel like it would be nothing but blissful, sweet relief.  We still own our mobile/lot, and it’s the next best thing to waterfront, and we know and like the neighbours there.  So we could still have a “cottage”. 

We need wisdom.  And grace to walk this out in a way that only glorifies God.  Without doing or saying anything we’ll regret.

And without eating too much chocolate.

I’m sure many of you have seen the joke about the child that’s gone missing, everything is pandemonium as the search and rescue squad, police, etc have been called in.  Then someone calls the house, hears the commotion in the background when a child answers the phone, and asks what’s going on.  The child explains that the commotion is due to a search for a missing person.  The caller asks who they are looking for, and the child giggles “Me.”

That joke used to be funny.  I was funny before I was a mom.  It was funny before each of my kids has caused that sense of panic to stir up in you when they don’t answer and you can’t see them.  It was funny before Social Services investigated us because of an anonymous caller’s report that we are doing less than a good job with our children.  And it’s even less funny now that we are waiting with bated breath to see if the same call is going to be made a second time.

You see, one day about a month ago, I “lost” Eliana.  I’m not proud to admit how quickly panic set in, and even less proud of the reason WHY panic set it.  I was scared someone was going to find out, and report me.  Well, they did find out, and they almost reported me.  The story we’ve heard is that a conversation with another neighbour convinced them to not do it.  And what would they be reporting?  I found her.  In my basement, sound asleep under a bath towel.  After I looked downstairs three times.  I felt stupid.  Complete idiot.  But what’s worse is that apparently, making a mistake like that, at least in my life, almost guarantees a report to Social Services.

Social Services is the joke.  They are what’s funny, in a very pathetic sense.  They won’t help you continue therapy for an autistic child if you don’t go through public school.  They’re respite care causes more stress and work than the “respite” is worth.  And they certainly will not help fund something like, say a fence.  Oh no.  They’d rather invest their time and money into responding to anonymous reports AFTER the fact.  After they could have stepped in and helped the situation not occur in the first place.

I am essentially a prisoner in my house at the moment.  For six months in the past year, I blamed it on winter.  “Just wait until summer,” I said to myself over and over.  I can’t go outside, because I know I’m being watched.  I hate that feeling.  I KNOW I’m not doing anything wrong, but people don’t care.  They’ll report you anyway.  Because they can.

But now it’s not just the kids.  We’ve had some very insulting, hurtful and intense interactions with our immediate neighbours, and we are shell-shocked to say the least.  I am terrified to open the door lest the dog dash away on me and set one measly hair over the property line.  Let’s not mention the fact that these neighbours made a fuss of our dog.  Fed him, played with him, asked us to leave him out to be around them while we went to town and they worked in their yard.  Now, it’s screams of “Get the H*LL off my property, you D*MN dog!”  And in front of the kids no less. 

So, the house below?  We actually are investigating purchasing it.  It’s doubtful it will go through, and there is another offer in at present.  There were several conditions to be met, so we can only hope that some of them fail.  We hate the thought of leaving our beloved waterfront.  As of last night, we had figured if we put in a fence (not a cheap proposition, might I add) and convert the garage into a few bedrooms, the situation here will be livable, and better than that, attractive to us again.  However, tonight as we were headed to town, we saw a truck pull into the neighbour’s yard.  My husband knew right away who it was.  “Doggone.”  It’s a dog catcher.

I must really p*ss a lot of people off.  Because for many years now, there is SOMETHING like this going on pretty much constantly.

So right now, I need to figure out how to find joy in my days again.  This ain’t fun, people, and I need a break.  We are definitely not flush for funds right now, and the only suitable option for a fence is a six foot high minimum privacy fence.  We have no idea how we’ll ever afford it. 

God, we’re stuck.  Help!

I’m having an affair.  I found someone so much grander.  There are so many pros about the one I’m with now, but as most discover, after a few years, the cons being more apparent.

My new interest and I met about five years ago.  Every so often I drive by just to see if the attraction has diminished or grown.  Every time I fall more in love.

Please don’t judge me.  I know from all appearances I’ve got it made.  Never has there been one more perfect.  Or so the outsiders observe.  Things are never quite as idylic as they seem from afar.

Of course, I will show you a picture.  Just in case you are ever passing by and see us together, you’ll be informed and aware.

Somebody help me stop.

I’m sure it’s hurting my first love.

I’ve never been fickle before.

I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

I.AM.IN.LOVE.

Psalm 130

A Pilgrim Song

 1-2 Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help!
   Listen hard! Open your ears!
      Listen to my cries for mercy.

 3-4 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
      who would stand a chance?
   As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
      and that’s why you’re worshiped.

 5-6 I pray to God—my life a prayer—
      and wait for what he’ll say and do.
   My life’s on the line before God, my Lord,
      waiting and watching till morning,
      waiting and watching till morning.

 7-8 O Israel, wait and watch for God—
      with God’s arrival comes love,
      with God’s arrival comes generous redemption.
   No doubt about it—he’ll redeem Israel,
      buy back Israel from captivity to sin.