One of my favourite female singers is Natalie Grant.  If you haven’t heard her, I highly recommend you do so.  She’s got an amazing voice, and the songs are deep and rich and full.

Our band has been performing one of her songs lately.  I don’t pretend to think I sound anything like her, but I LOVE to sing this particular song.  It’s gorgeous and means a lot to me.

When I mention my “dislike” of winter, I often try to attach humour to it.  The truth is, it’s not funny.  Depression is never funny.  I do have some good days.  I’m “coping” without medication.  But it is hard.  Very hard.  I think this is the last year I will try to cope without medication.  As my friend, Carolee, says; “Cope?!  Who wants to COPE???!!!”   Unless I feel very different in September and October, I will request that my dr. put me on medication again. 

This isn’t just the difference between someone who prefers summer over winter.  I am overwhelmed by a darkness.  A heaviness.  Often I feel like I can’t breathe.  And new this year, are anxiety or panic attacks.  Not often.  And thankfully the first was the worst.  But it is no fun.  I don’t understand it.  I struggle to get up.  To function.  I know the quality of life I want for my family, and I feel like MY issues are ripping them off.  It’s hard.  Many times, I think the children would be better if I put them all in school and daycare.  Often, I feel little hope that there will be any change, that it will ever get better.

When I feel this way, I *try*, not always succesfully, to use Scriptures and songs to pull myself up a bit.  “Better Hands” by Natalie Grant is one of those songs that has a couple of lines that are just what I need.

Today, I am singing:

“But there is hope when my faith runs out.”

Today, I feel like my faith has run out.  Too many things.  Too many blows.  Too many curve balls.  Not sure I can take it anymore. 

BUT….there is hope.

So, in spite of the darkness, the heaviness, the struggle, I will hope.

Today, that’s all I have.

Yesterday, I had a post all written up, and hit publish…it vanished. I wasn’t having a good day, and so I just decided to forget about it, and try again today.

I have been having that annual struggle that I have – SAD.  Seasonal Affective Disorder, though I am trying to figure out if it is solely SAD or if it is long-term post-partum, or even just classic depression that is worse in the winter.  I can’t say that I feel perfect in the summer, but I definitely feel better.

Anyway, these past weeks have been a struggle and I am just trying to focus on some projects I want to accomplish.  I have flooring in my basement now, and am working through boxes and baskets of “stuff”.  How does that happen?  Maybe it’s just me.  I have so much stuff.  And some of it I can see that just throwing it out is the good and proper thing to do.  But some of it, I just can’t throw it out. 

I am trying to get back on track with homeschooling.  This has been a particularly hard year, and so we haven’t done much of it.  This is our year of unschooling.    Anyway we are going to slowly work into a schedule as more curriculum comes in (I hadn’t been able to order anything until recently), and hopefully by summer we’ll be on track.  That being said, I think we’ll be doing school year-round, at least this year, so we can catch up, and also so the kids don’t forget what they’ve learned.  A lot of homeschool families finish in May, and I find the three months off to be enough time to have to reteach some of the more difficult subjects.  So I think we’ll continue with a reduced schedule, and probably do a page of Math per day, and then 2-3 pages per day in English and Word Building.  This should get us back on track for September. 

Still waiting for word on the refinancing.  They keep requesting more information, so I’m taking that as a good thing for now.  The fact that we have a rental property is a good thing, we’re told.  I’m also waiting to hear if I’m approved for Employment Insurance.  The rental property I mentioned is for sale, and we’re hoping that between each of these things being approved or sold, our finances will be in much better shape, and the stress of the past several years will be eased. 

I find that I get overwhelmed with large tasks, because I find it difficult to take them one step at a time.  All I can see is the big picture, and then discouragement sets in.  If you think of this family, pray for their Mama that she is able to focus and get beyond the emotional struggles of depression, and that we can really make the most of each day. 

With that being said, I’m off to clean…something.  I have a few messy bedrooms that need attention, and my laundry room is feeling neglected.  Also have a few more boxes to wade through.  It’s coming, slowly but surely, and I’d love to think that my spring cleaning would be finished before Spring itself arrives.

Happy Wednesday!

…they said no.  To the refinancing.  BUT, the banker is appealing, so another two-day wait or so.  And if that doesn’t work, we may be able to do partial financing, which might work just as well.   The other option that we didn’t realize we had, is that as long as we stay on track with payments from now until August, we can renegotiate the interest rate with our current company.  So all that to say, I don’t think we’ll have to move!  We are getting desperate to do some renos around here…we need more bedrooms, more storage, maybe another bathroom. 

Our mobile and lot is currently on the market.  Six years of not being able to sell it makes me feel like it will NEVER sell, but for some reason, we just have to wait longer.  I really like the agent we have this time, and believe she can get the job done.  We’re a little early for the spring shoppers, but at least we’re now established in the market, and all the agents are aware of our property.

Sometimes it’s hard to just trust God, and really believe His timing is best.  He hasn’t forgotten our needs, nor has there been anything slip by His notice.  He hasn’t forsaken His promise to give us everything necessary to deal with whatever He requires from us. 

When we are tempted to stress out and worry, we often sing a song from Veggie Tales.

“The Lord has given this land to us.  No need to fuss.  He knows what he’s doing.  We know that He will take care of us, if we will follow Him.  God’s way is the best way.  How do I know?  He loves me so.  God’s way is the best way.  And that’s the way for me!”

I am not a good wait-er.  Patience is a virtue, but not one I’ve cultivated well.  I tend to go through things like this without being terribly productive in the meantime.  I have lots to do, but actually focusing and doing it is another thing. 

Today I’m trying to get our bedroom finished.  I cleaned it out last week, but now I’m organizing it.  Part of that is that I want to paint our dresser.  It is gorgeous, solid wood, and hand-made by my great-great uncle.  And stained a very ugly orange-tinted stain.  So I’m going to change that.  But first, the room must be finished.  So I will attempt to have that done by the end of the day. 

I generally operate with a list, even if I don’t follow it unbendingly, it at least keeps me remembering what needs to be done, and when.  But the past few months have seen me not writing lists.  Somewhat unusual for me, but it’s also been kind of nice.  So much pressure from so many directions, so to have the grace to give myself that break has been good.  However, I believe it’s time to write some lists up again.  We may have a moving deadline in our future, and I’d rather approach that date well-prepared.  And if we don’t sell and move, then my house will be more efficient.  That’s only a good thing.

So off I go purge and organize.  I guess you could call it early spring cleaning.  What about you?  Is anyone working on anything in their house?

I have been thinking for a while, despite my uncooperative computer(s), that I would like to start a second blog.  I have a few things dear to my heart, and I would like to have a blog about homeschooling, and keep a separate blog for “those other things.”  It’s probably going to take me a while to get it going, but I will let you know when I do.  My biggest goal right now is to get on every day and actually post – you know, like I used to.  Well, for a while anyway.

Today is bright and sunny…and cold.  Winter is long with us, I’m afraid, and this week I have not been coping well with that reality. 

I AM, however, working on a few things to help combat the depression that haunts me.  I signed all the kids up for activities in the fall, when I felt more like getting out (though still it isn’t my favourite thing to do), so that I would have that commitment of leaving the house at least twice a week.  Monday and Thursday are the days we have taekwondo and dance classes.  I’m also still active with my band.  We are doing two concerts in the next week for Haiti. 

Also, a dear friend gave me a package to a weight-loss clinic in town.  I have been forbidden from using the word “diet”, because I am not dieting, I am becoming healthier.  Last weigh-in, after 2&1/2 weeks on the meal plan, saw me at a loss of 7&1/2 lbs.  I’m very happy with that.  Weight was never an issue for me until my last couple of babies.  I like having the accountability with Sherri, my coach, and she has provided a great plan, with delicious recipes.  I do believe I will be at my goal weight well before summer. 

Still waiting on news about the refinancing…hopefully by the end of the day tomorrow we will have an answer.  I don’t do waiting well. 

The weekend is near.  We have plans with a friend

Well, I haven’t update in forever.  We had a good Christmas, but man, when did Christmas become so hard (aptly spoken by Alicia!)?  I have this inner longing for it to be something it’s not.  And I don’t know what that is.  I’m not sure I’m ready for not doing gifts and decorations and all that.  But I don’t want to ignore this struggle that has grown over the past three years.  It’s like my heart is truly not in it.  And maybe that’s on purpose.  Maybe Someone is trying to get us to change what we do.  So we will seek the Lord and pray about it through the year this year…maybe it won’t be so hard next year, if we get a little guidance from HIM.

In other news, Cole is TEN.  How did that happen???  I am shocked that I am the mother of a child with an age in the double digits.  I still feel like I did when he was born.  Cole is awesome.  He’s creative and intelligent, funny with a wonderful sense of humour, compassionate and giving.  He spent his own money this year to buy gifts for a couple of people.  That is a huge step for him.  He is a great artist and I’m hoping this year that we might be able to get him some lessons.  Sometimes he’s unhappy with the role of eldest in the family, but he does it well, and we are very proud of him. 

We are still struggling financially, and trying to make some decisions.  Right now we are in the middle of trying to refinance, and if that doesn’t come through (I’m feeling very doubtful about it), we will really need to seriously consider selling.  Neither of us wants to think about it, but it isn’t the end of the world.  We can down-size our housing cost, and be fine.  It’s about being together.  When I think about the devastation around the world, the thought of losing our river-front home though sad to us, is really not a big deal.  Really. 

So, some time over the next week or so, we should have an answer.  And when we do, we’ll begin making decisions.  They will either be “fun” or difficult, but they will be made.

February is here, raging cold.  We had a MILD January, based on what January is usually like, and so we knew we’d likely make up for it in February.  Only seven more calendar weeks until spring.  I can do this!