It began many months ago.  One after the other, the painful circumstances bombarded her time and time again.  Feeling the heartache of desperation, even as the life growing within her womb ebbed away, she knew that the road ahead could be such a long one.  How does one recover from such a loss?  The guilt of being a mother, unable to save her child, though yet unborn, was huge.  Maybe she shouldn’t have….Ah, but they all told her there was nothing to be done.  Before or after, it wasn’t her fault.  It was just “one of those things.”

Moving ahead in life, the next few weeks were very busy.  A new home, a new community.  Life graciously gave her something to which she could put her hand – and mind.  But the heaviness lay deep inside.  Once she returned home, life went back to normal for those around her.  She knew they cared in their own way, but the ackwardness of not knowing what to say kept them from saying anything at all.  So the pain was neatly tucked away in a room deep inside her heart, where she would visit when she was alone. 

Do not misunderstand: she was happy.  The joy of her other children, the love of her husband, and her faith in God carried her.  She knew that one day she would understand.  She could rest in that.  She would not, however, be the same again.

As the healing was beginning, another blow.  Accusations – the kind that ripped away at the very core of who she was, and for what she lived.  The seed of fear was planted, and it took much time to conquer it.  It was hard for her to not lash out at those who would accuse, or to defend her actions.  Most of her acquaintances were unaware of the circumstances in which she found herself.  So she found herself having to pretend that things were fine, when inside she was full of confusion, fear, and shame.  Walking through this painful experience, she knew once again that life had changed.  Her normal was different.

Broken relationships, more accusations, physical hurdles, even a spiraling downward into depression….she leaned on her faith, her husband, her love for her children, and caring friends to carry her.  When it became more than she could handle, she would openly admit that she needed some light in the darkness, pain, and confusion.

It came without warning.  This little Light that has now become essential to her life.  She didn’t know it at the time that the glow began, but the beam would shine through those many dark moments, and reach deep inside her to draw out more of the very core of her being.  Things that she thought she knew about herself, but suddenly felt as strange as two individuals meeting for the very first time, came to her awareness as this Light grew.

In the midst of one of the most painful times of growth for her, the Light became so bright, that all else receded.  The shining did not occur without effort.  The Light itself had to fight alongside her, as they both knew giving up could not be an option.  It wasn’t easy, but in the end, the Light prevailed.

Now she looks back at those dark days and months, which seem covered by a haze.  The kind of haze that dullens the memories of an early-morning dream, making it hard to recall the depth of despair and pain that threatened to overtake her at times.  She hasn’t forgotten it all, but The Light has drawn her focus so much, that a deep joy has grown out of the despair.  The Light – indeed a gift straight from above, a gift that The Father knew would bring healing – continues to grow.  And it continues to bring growth to her own life. 

The Light requires care.  It is not self-sufficient.  Rather, they depend on each other.  And on all those around them.  They exist together, sustaining and growing and living.  Neither content to simply exist, but to thrive.

Where is she now?  She is here.  I am she.  I will never be the same after the year and some months that have passed.  I have faced many difficulties and painful experiences in times past, but this past season of my life has challenged me to a much greater degree.  I wasn’t sure how I would make it at one point.  But this I do know: my Heavenly Father saw fit to allow the flame of life to keep burning, as it grew in me.  He gave me my own Light, to help guide me through the weariness.  When I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to smile again, the Light shone straight into my eyes, and I found myself smiling through the tears.

To this Light I can only say thank you.  Thank you for coming into my life.  You have been the most amazing gift.  You have shone through a very dark and difficult season for me.  This season has indeed changed me, but your presence in my life, even your need of me, has changed me forever.  In spite of my struggles, you kept shining.  I will never be the same. 

Damara Greer, I love you forever.