I wrote this shortly after my second hospitalization, after Damara was born.

I have always had a tendency to need to know “why”. I suppose it’s in all of us, but for some reason, this question dogs me undeterred. I try to rest in peace, knowing that God is in control, but then those three letters creep up on me again, and I find myself once again in the throes of a wrestling match between me and peace, me and questions, and sometimes, me and God.

I “know” God is in control, but the real hard-core truth of that eludes me. When I was in the hospital, I can’t say that I walked through it all in peace, with a sense that this was for my good. I’d like to say that was true, but unfortunately if that was the test this time, I failed miserably.

I do not believe God was punishing me. That is something I’ve never believed. I know sin has consequences, but illness is not something I’ve ever seen as chastisement, though there are those who do actually believe so.

What I do believe is that there are lessons to be learned in every situation we face. And so we come back to “why”. Notice I’m not saying “why me”. Why not me? Why should any other new mom in the maternity ward have gone through the various circumstances over the past few weeks, and not me. I’m ok that it was me. But for what purpose?

I have long dreaded the thought of being a disappointment to anyone. But in particular to God. And I wonder if this isn’t the very thing that drives me to ask why so often. Perhaps this is my way of analyzing my actions, thoughts, words, etc. to make sure that in everything I say and do, I am not a disappointment to Him.

I am not a martyr. I would gladly have not gone through those days of pain and illness, avoiding the section and a baby in NICU. In the natural, there was nothing to be gained by doing so. However, I cannot believe that it’s all a total loss in my growth as an individual, and particularly, spiritually.

I will always ask why I suppose. And I think I’ll be ok with asking why and getting no immediate answers. It’s just who I am. As long as I can always return to a place of my eyes fixed on Jesus, I think He’s ok with me asking why, too.

Maybe one day I’ll finally come to a stop. A place where I truly know He is in control, and that’s all I need to know. I don’t expect this to be of completion until Heaven, but maybe, just a bit every day, I can continue to just let it all go.