After returning home from hospital on Saturday evening, we spent a lovely sunny Sunday resting at home. Greg and the kids played outside a lot, while I rested as much as possible. Monday came, and I went to another hospital to have my stent removed. All seemed to go well, though I was quite uncomfortable, and I thought I’m finally on the road to recovery. By Tuesday morning I felt like I might actually survive. Greg took all the boys with him for the morning run. The plan was I would rest and enjoy the morning with the girls, then he would come home to get us, and I would go to my mother-baby clinic appointment for Damara. I was feeling the best I had in two weeks, and even Maureen said I looked much better. She had come over to do up some laundry and dishes, and just check in with us to make sure all was well. She left shortly before 10:30, and Greg returned with the boys shortly after that. I began to feel chilled, and thought maybe I was needing some more tylenol. I was concerned that perhaps there was a bit of an addiction formed with the medication, as I was struggling to put in four full hours between doses. The chills turned to uncontrollable shaking in short order, and we realized this wasn’t just a craving for the meds. I pulled out my discharge information, and there was a note that if you have uncontrollable shaking and chills, you may have bloodstream infection. We made a couple of phone calls, and were advised to get to the hospital asap. I ended up being admitted for another four days, on IV antibiotics for a pretty severe kidney infection.

I have no words for what I’ve just experienced. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, waiting for another shoe to drop. I don’t like to speak negatively, and bring things on myself, but I’m holding my breath, wondering “what’s next.”

I’m sooo exhausted. This has put tiredness and fatigue in a whole new light for me. I’m also very emotional. I’m not usually that emotional. Monthly cycles come and go, and Greg keeps wondering when the dreaded PMS is going to hit - it never has in nine years of marriage. I’m usually pretty steady until the last month of pregnancy as well.

So more to process and deal with. I suppose one day I’ll find a purpose in the middle of all of this, but for now it eludes me. I just know I feel completely overwhelmed by what has been demanded of my body in the past few weeks, and feel like I might never recover. I don’t have a whole lot of interest in my other kids. Just sleeping and taking care of Damara. Even the latter is pulling at the last of what I have in me.