Gosh. I have had a rough day. Not just because I’m not feeling well. I just am not coping well with my life. Right now I’m struggling to find joy in being home with four children who insist on being, well, children. My patience is nil. I’m swearing, at least under my breath, more than I care to admit. I’m irritable. I can’t stand my kids bickering, whining…you know, the carnal part of them. I have zero compassion running through my veins right now. If they get hurt, I’m not terribly sympathetic. I’m mad because I clean, and organize, and basically do what I do for THEM, and there is not one ounce of appreciation coming back at me. I want to do this because I know it’s the right thing, but other than that I feel like running away. I am so tired of all the searching I do…because someone did not do what they were told, put an item or article of clothing where they were told to, and now it’s missing. And of course, Mom’s the only one who can possibly a: know where it is, and b: get down on her hands and knees and search for it. Soooo easy with this huge stomach of mine. I need a break.

So many times people comment, wow, you have your hands full! Or, How do you do it? You know what? I don’t know how I do it. I know that once in a while, I feel like I am going to lose it, mentally and/or emotionally. I feel terribly undersocialized. Unless you consider, three meals a day, seven days a week, and all the time in between with four young children a social life.

So I end up spending too much time on-line and reading. It’s how I escape. I hide in these things. I shouldn’t. I’m not schooling them well. Interaction right now with them is not great. I should be doing more, even if it’s just reading to them. But my skin feels all crawly because I’m needed so much by so many people, and there’s no one who is taking care of me on equal ground. Greg tries, but after 12 hours on the road each day, I can’t expect much from him.

Please don’t judge me. I’m not leaving my family. I won’t hurt my kids. I may yell, and act as immature as them. But please don’t judge. Can I not judge myself? I don’t know. I feel guilty as heck admitting this stuff, and desperate for some breathing room. I still believe our lifestyle -particularly with regards to homeschooling - is the right thing, and in many ways the only choice I have. However, it doesn’t mean that because this is the road I’ve chosen to walk, I always do it with sure footing. I slip. A lot. And the crazy thing is, it doesn’t take much for me to get my footing steady again. Just a bit of time to pour into myself as much care and concern as I do everyone else. The problem is that this isn’t easy to do. To find the time for me. So many factors contribute to this, but it doesn’t make it easier to accept.

Greg and I have both recognized that when I’m stirred up about my Dad, or family issues, etc, that I am so much less in control of emotions on an everyday level. I don’t like that. It’s not fair to the rest of this family. But it is sadly true.

God, I need grace. Grace is the only thing that can help me right now. My kids need me to live with grace. I need You to carry this for me. I’m done.

I’m still not perfect, but I feel some better than yesterday. Still some achiness, but I did notice that my sore throat nearly completely stops hurting within a half-hour of taking acetominophen. Which is nice. And surprising, as I don’t usually respond as well to that as ibuprofen. However, ibuprofen is off-limits during pregnancy.

We are going to be giving our dog away. We got her in November, when she was nine months old. She’s sweet. But nuts. It’s just not working. Sunday a neighbor from up river walked her back to us on a leash. Someone in a car had stopped to get her UP ON THE HIGHWAY!!! So it’s just not working. We have tried several things, but have concluded bottom line we need a dog who trains quickly and easily. We feel badly for her, and just want her to be where she can run and play. There is a prospective owner. The mother of one of the men at our church. She has a 5 acre farm, with a few other dogs and cats, and it sounds like it would be great for Annie. We do want to have a dog, but we’re thinking we’ll wait until summer when Greg is home, and we’re able to train. Also we’re trying to find a breed that’s more laid back. Annie is a Golden Retriever, a dog that we’ve always admired, and Greg has even owned two with his parents when he was young. He said the first one was calm and so easy. The second one, not so much. So I guess we got another one like that. My brother suggested a Corgi, and I also asked him about Cocker Spaniels, and we’ve also discussed getting one of those in the past. So we shall see. First we need to get Annie settled elsewhere, and then have this baby. Then in the summer we’ll probably get another one.

I struggled my way through the night, sporting a sore throat, achey body, and slight fever. Ugh. There is no good end to flus and colds. Unless someone came to take care of the kids today while I spent the day in bed. But that’s not going to happen.

It’s snowing today.

Happy Spring!

I feel the need to clarify, due to a conversation with one of my very few readers that, although I am experiencing these symptoms, I am not miserable ALL the time. There are about 20 minutes every day when I feel fine. Just kidding! I am mercifully missing out on what was always the worst symptom for me for all of my other pregnancies. I had low iron, and low blood pressure. Now, I have concluded this from a tossed out answer from my previous doctor, some blood results, and some reading. I frequently - as in many times every day, particularly when standing still, but often when walking, not when sitting or laying down - would have this sudden increase in heart rate, shortage of breath, dizziness, and weakness. I had to sit down IMMEDIATELY. Once, that meant in the middle of the aisle at Zellers. But, I am sooo happy to report, this time around I have had only a very few slight episodes like this. So, in all, I feel really good considering. I don’t *enjoy* my other symptoms, but that one dogged me constantly, and made me so miserable.

I am not getting much, if anything done around here on a daily basis. This is where the problem with the muscle and tendon pain plays into my life. The moment I’m on my feet, and sometimes even when I’m not doing anything, these pains hit fast and furious, and I can’t move. It makes it very hard to do a thing. My husband is doing great keeping the house up as well as working…thanks, Greg!! I literally am immobile a good portion of my day. When I do get on my feet to do laundry, dishes, meals, by the time I’m done, I usually have one of three things hurting, sometimes all - the sciatic nerve, my lower back (I’m sure my done-in abdominal muscles are contributing much to this symptom), and my lower abdominal pains. I am also experiencing a LOT of Braxton Hicks. I even drink water, and as stated before, am definitely NOT overdoing it with activity (I feel guilty with how “lazy” I am lately), but still they persist.

This is not a complain and whine post; it’s really more something for me to look back and remember. A bit of a pregnancy journal so to speak. Because, undoubtedly, not too many weeks after delivery, I will be missing being pregnant, how special I feel when I am, feeling the babe moving inside me like my own little secret, and I will forget that I felt this way. It’s not to scare myself out of having another one, or going through this again, it’s just a remembering post.

And the End is definitely worth it!

I\

I haven’t said much about this pregnancy. So here’s the scoop.

I understand why people choose to have only one or two babies. To intentionally put yourself through this several times could seem somewhat insane. However, I believe the end goal is the most amazing thing I’ll ever know. So we’re having our fifth baby in about two months.

I have mild nausea several times a week. Usually at least one episode every day. I don’t vomit. I can’t even if I wanted to.

I have not slept well the entire pregnancy.

I eat a lot.

I have horrible mood swings. Well, I think I do. I feel more out of control right now than normal.

I have a really pretty bright purple spot on my leg. It’s vericose veins AND spider veins. I’ve only had that with Eliana’s pregnancy.

My back hurts a lot.

I have very sharp muscle pains in my abdomen. Initially it felt like I might have appendicitis, but apparently it’s *just* muscles and tendons.

My ribs hurt so bad, especially at night.

My feet, and occasionally my hands, swell, especially at night.

I think I may have polyhydramnios. I had this with the three boys, only slight with Luke, but more severe with Cole, and most severe with Brett. I’ve never had any complications because of this. This is not why Brett was a c-section.

My sciatic nerve has given me minor trouble for the past couple of months.

Also, other joints are achey once in a while.

I have had trouble with my sinuses. I like breathing. This is one of the most aggravating symptoms, and may be a huge part in my inability to sleep well. Oh, and my sore ribs, and aching back, and….you get the point.

But, other than that, I’m doing GREAT!!!
And we are so excited to welcome this new one. We *think* we have a girl’s name chosen (but we don’t share until after the baby comes - saves us from arguments with family and others who have opinions), but nothing for sure for a boy. I think Greg is pretty convinced it’s another girl, though I am cautious. Another girl would be convenient. But baby boys are pretty neat little creatures too.

Just a couple of links on the origins. As with many celebrations, this was originally very spiritually significant.

The Celtic Lion

St. Patrick’s Prayer

You have to scroll down a bit for both of these. Enjoy!

And that about sums it up. Hopefully tonight or tomorrow, I’ll have something interesting for you. To amuse yourselves until then, click here.

We didn’t finish. But wow did we make a dent. We have so much JUNK!!! I’m wanting to just get rid of most of it, and have stuff around that’s educational, or inspires creation. So many toys are STUPID! Anyway, I have a couple of cardboard boxes as well as a garbage bag full, and that’s not including the boxes and garbage bags from the last time I sorted. It feels good to get a grip on it. Today I just need to finish getting things in their baskets and baggies, and then decide if I’ll actually get rid of more toys, which ones to leave out, and which ones will go in storage for a while. The sad things is we haven’t brought everything in from the garage yet, and there is a basket full or so in Ellie’s room as well. The boys like to play in Ellie’s room sometimes, so toys migrate up there.

Anyway, there lots of stuff sitting out right now, so it doesn’t LOOK like an improvement, but it is. I am looking forward to getting this family room so FUNctional, the kids will love being there. Which means less mess upstairs.

I made some appointments yesterday. I’m down to twice a week. It seems like I still have so long to go, but when you start doing the more frequent appointments, it goes fast. I just have to work at my anxiety over labor. Not looking forward to it.

Not much new on Dad, other than Michael talked to him, and he (Dad) was pretty arrogant. “You don’t judge me, and I don’t judge you.” I am kind of creeped out by the thought of what he’s doing. We are going to try to have a “family meeting” next week. Michael has some interviews and training for the job he’s likely going to take in May. It’s in Wicklow which is about 1&1/2 hrs from here from what I can figure. It’s somewhere between Woodstock and Hartland. NICE!!! I’m excited to have them living closer to us. Anyway, I need to talk to Dad, but I need support. So they agreed to being here with Greg and I. He just continues on, recklessly making decisions that affect us, thinking they don’t affect us, and so far it’s only gotten worse for me personally. I mean the ramifications of his decisions. Each woman he’s with is more jealous of me than the last. Erika said they called Dad, and Kelly answered the phone. So does this mean she visits a lot, or are they living together? I am so MAD at him right now. I have no desire for me children to be around him. So how do I do this without punishing my children? They love Dad. I do too, I just know he’s wrong. He thinks he’s fine, even with God, that’s he’s the best he’s ever been. What Bible is he reading??? I get so tired of him.

God, give me grace!

The sun is shining! The Tank is clean!

And just maybe I’ll find my happy place!

Dawn is coming this afternoon. We’re starting today to work together on our houses. Refer to yesterday’s post for more details.

I think we’re going to start with the toys. That’s the area that has defeated me the most. I have sorted them out AT LEAST three times in the past nine months. By sorting, I mean putting toys that are alike or parts of sets together in labled bags, boxes or baskets. And they don’t stay. My goal for today is to get everything in it’s place, then remove half of them to the storage room. We’re going to rotate them. Also, I will NOT keep anything that needs repairs unless it is really expensive, and worth the repair. Broken plastic parking garages are out!

Also getting tax stuff finished up. I’m such a poor paper/record keeper. But to my credit I did manage to get everything sorted at Smythe Street before moving. So it’s only what we’ve acquired since moving that is horribly messed up.

Oh my, I don’t like the time change. I hope that the discussions of eliminating daylight savings time become an actual event. I woke up to a phone call this morning at 8:45! I never sleep in like that. Now there are other factors involved. Probably one of the biggest is that Luke is at Greg’s parents for a few days, and he and Brett are the ones who fight the most. With him not here, it was QUIET! Also Ellie woke up around 3 am screaming for me. Normally when they cry at night, I give it a minute or two to see if they are actually going to calm down. When my kids get up at night, it usually means an hour or so of getting them settled again. But she was so upset - one of those cries that just says I’m sooo scared or sad or lonely - I couldn’t leave her. So it was after 4 before we got back to sleep. Then I was in and out a lot because I kept checking to make sure she wasn’t too close to the edge of the bed. And Greg was up and around getting ready for work. When I answered the phone, my friend Dawn asked, so are you awake? As a joke. I said no, I’m just waking up now. She laughed. We chatted. I said something else, and she realized, I was truly just waking up. One of those moments when you really aren’t sure what day it is, let alone what the time of day is!

Dawn and I are both feeling very overwhelmed with our homes. It’s hard to clean when nothing is clean, so there’s no where to put anything. So we’ve decided we’ll do better if we do it together. So I think Tuesdays and Thursdays we’ll be getting together in the afternoon. I am looking forward to getting my house organized. I’d like to surprise Greg at some point and clean the garage too. Dawn’s boys are 11 & 12, so I know they’ll be able to help do some lifting if necessary, and Emily, Dawn’s first daughter is so in love with Ellie, she’ll take over with her so I can focus on our task for the day. I know so many other people do their housework and even projects for their house on their own, but I can’t seem to get on top of it. And Dawn is feeling equally conquered by her own clutter. We’re looking forward to getting this dealt with once and for all. I’d like to get a chore chart done for the kids and get them involved more. I just get so frustrated with trying to get them to help I end up doing it myself. In the end, I’m not helping myself OR them.

So starting tomorrow, we’re going to tackle this clutter!

And YAY for the beautiful, warm, spring-like weather. I am relishing the warming rays of the sun - first thing in the morning it shines right in our main room (kitchen/dining/living), and I just sit and soak it up. I’d like to start thinking about getting a garden in too. I am due right around when we should be planting, but I have a couple of people that I’m sure would help me get a garden in. I won’t likely do many things, as this will be the first year I’ve done my OWN garden. Which means it’s been nearly 15 years since I was involved in planting a garden at Dad’s farm. I forget pretty much everything except that you need to thin the carrots, and corn seeds are planted 6 inches apart! Eventually we want to have several different berries growing around here - strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries. Maybe some grapes. Also, our driveway is lined with pine trees. Normally I like pine trees, but these ones weren’t tended and pruned, so they are turning into monsters. I asked Greg if he’d cut them down this spring, and we’ll plant some apple and pear trees. He’s for that, so once the snow is gone, I guess the trees will be too.

One thing about this house, outside and inside, is that things weren’t planned well. From little things like mismatched hardware and finishes in bathrooms, to wasted or poorly planned use of space, we’ve got several projects to work on for the next few years. That’s fine. Part of making a house your own is fixing all those “problems.” Outside there is a row of bushes planted to line the front of the vegetable garden.

The plants are quite random, and it just feels a bit funny the way it was made. I’m going to get the names of whatever is out there, and take a run into town to one of the greenhouses. I need to talk to someone about transplanting. One example of just how random things were done is this cedar tree.

It’s just kind of planted in the middle of the lawn. And at the right (or wrong?) angle, you don’t even notice it. Like in this picture, it’s kind of just blends into the apple tree right behind it. It is quite a bit bigger now. I would love to have it, just in a different location. I wonder if it’s too big to transplant now?

I am constantly daydreaming about the things I want to do around here. It’s hard not to get frustrated at how long it will take, but then what’s the fun in doing it all at once? Although having it just the way I want it right now isn’t a bad thing! Patience, as always.