I’ve been struggling with February. I don’t like it. The last couple of years we’ve gone some place warm over March break, so it’s helped me get through Feb. I get a to-do list going, of things I want to accomplish before leaving. But this year we have no such plans. I am trying to get Greg excited about, or at least interested in, some home improvement activities. I’ve been meeting with Rachel again, and the last two weeks have been furniture painting. Bill even sanded outside in the freezing cold so I wouldn’t have to. I love Bill and Rachel!

The regular housework has been hard for me to overcome, conquer and otherwise maintain. But this week has been better. The upstairs does NOT look like a tornado hit, although the family room DOES look like a preschool that hasn’t been cleaned in months. For the first part of the week I struggled to do much other than shiver. But yesterday I got some stuff done. Primarily I washed all of the bedding. And I mean all - except Ellie’s comforter which is being done this morning. All of the mattress covers, any pillow covers, sheets, cases, comforters, blankets. You name it, it got done. For FIVE beds. I felt very productive yesterday. Plus I got my clean laundry folded - a huge job, because I can never seem to stay caught up with that. Today I am still doing the regular laundry - got behind on that over the past couple of weeks. I’m sure the washer and dryer will be going non-stop well into tomorrow. Serves me right for sulking in February.

Late this afternoon we may be headed to Bathurst. Our snowmobile - recently purchased, used - had an issue, and the warranty was up on Tuesday. But we got it to them on Saturday in Moncton. They shipped it to Bathurst for the repairs. We don’t know yet if it will be finished. But if it is, because we have company tomorrow, we’ll have to go for it tonight. Greg gets off early tonight. Still, that means we’ll be home around 1 am, I estimate. Some people would think we’re nuts - why not just stay home with the kids and let hubby do the trip. But we like road trips, even the kids. We have a dvd player in the Durango, and they do well. And Greg and I like each other, so we want to spend time together. Besides, kids sleep in cars. I think it will be tiring, but fun.

I just read my post on my blog, and it’s not spaced like it is in compose mode. I just figured out how to move the pictures so they could be placed throughout the post, but it’s not seeming to like the way I spaced the text. Sorry for the wonkiness.

I.AM.SO.TIRED.OF.TOYS!!!

Sometimes I feel like my kids are lacking in fun toys. Interesting toys. Educational toys. Time-consuming toys. But they have SOOOO much stuff! I’d like to turf it all and start over. We told them last night that today we will be cleaning the family room, where most of the toys reside. From now on, whatever gets left out after being played with will be confiscated, and will have to be earned back. I am not one that will likely ever have it in me to actually trash toys. I personally find that a waste. However, removing the offending toys from the known playing premises to an established holding cell or toy dungeon, until the knights can be reformed and rescue said offending toys is definitely doable for me. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff - it’s the way I was raised. Lame I’m sure, but when I was throwing out all my bug-infested baking supplies from the mobile when we moved (someone had given me quite a haul of baking supplies, but filled with these weird little bugs! icky! I stupidly thought some of the stuff was safe and put it in my baking cupboard. Where they spent three years reproducing.), I could just hear my grandfather yelling at me that we were wasting it! Mind you this is the man who saves dog food bags. *rolling eyes* Bless him! Because of the lack of example in sending unused or unusable items to the landfill, I believe everything that is broken can be fixed. Even if it means it will occupy it’s landing pad for several years. So that is something else I will work on. If the toys are broken, I will throw them away, unless it’s a quick easy repair, and the cost to replace would be substantial. But piecing together 143 broken splinters from a plastic parking garage isn’t going to happen. And the voices in my head - oh the voices - will have to be ignored.

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with how lonely my life has been. Right now it’s not obviously, but at the same time it is. I struggle to have deep friendships with other women. I did in school. I have figured out I am threatening. Which makes me laugh AND cry. I know I have made several women jealous over the years, and I think: “Who’s jealous of me?” I have had one hand after another of being at the mercy of someone else’s really bad decisions, and unfortunately, the consequences do affect me. I don’t want to live my life out of self-pity, but there are times when I feel so tired and overwhelmed by how alone I have felt and how often. And my darkest times, I am most alone in the human sense. And yet, the only way I’ve stayed afloat at all is that I’m really not alone. I have always had a sense the “HE” is there, holding me, guiding me, keeping me. I don’t pretend to understand it all. Why would you let stuff happen to me so much? But I don’t keep it between Him and I either. Life is hard. But God IS good. And when all around is at it’s darkest, if you just reach out, you can feel Him there. Ready to guide you through. It takes a lot of faith. And a lot of hope. It requires you going beyond what you think you have in you, and just walking it out.

I just found out my dad is seeing someone. How seriously he is seeing this someone I guess is to be decided. I’m uneasy with it - she’s 6 months younger than me. I guess if it’s a God thing then He’ll help my heart deal with it. But right now I don’t like it. It’s just weird. Like wearing a wool sweater on bare skin. It makes me squirm. And it’s even a bit like having your face covered - which I hate. Get it off! Whatever it is covering my face - get it off NOW! So, God I need your grace once again. I did let Dad know that it’s a bit weird for me. He wants to bring her here so we can meet. She has a young daughter. IF they have a future together, I don’t want to have to walk too carefully. I’ve already done the rounds twice with “step-mothers” (please tell me I don’t have to refer to her as my step-mother!!!). And if women nearly 30 years older than me are as threatened as they are by me, what will someone younger than me be like. So right, I admit I feel like praying against it. I do wish my father would exercise a little more wisdom. But this area of relationships is not his strength. I had hoped by now he would clue in a bit, but it doesn’t seem to be. So God, hold me in your heart - that’s the closest I can be to you, and right now, I need to be engulfed by you. Be my refuge.

Well, I’ve spent way too much time on-line the last couple of days drooling over, or shall we say, “researching” from these sites:

http://www.potterybarnkids.com/

http://www.restorationhardware.com/rh/index.jsp

http://www.pier1.com/home.aspx

As well as a few others. I’m really just looking for ideas for the house. Mostly the bedrooms. I know what I want for the living space (which is kitchen, dining and living room all in one), and the family room downstairs. I really want to do up my laundry room to make it a place where I want to be. Right now it is unfinished walls and floor, and the ceiling is open. All of the tanks and pumps are just sitting up on a makeshift shelf, but taking up way more room than necessary. There is a “folding table” in there, but it is nothing more than a plywood top (unfinished) on a frame, nailed to the wall. About a foot higher than counter height. I’m 5′1″. So it ends up collecting the unfolded, but clean!, laundry.

Which brings us to the next issue: Bedrooms. Greg and I have a very nice boxspring and mattress on a very nice frame. But no very nice headboard. I found one that is very nice, and also quite cheap in comparison to most of the ones out there. I love the look of black furniture in a master bedroom, and I also love panel style head/footboards. But our room is tiny. So I think a black metal bed would be nice, without overpowering the room. I’m going with a black and white color scheme in our room, which allows for changing a third, accent color, at whim. I cannot decide if I want taupe walls or a grey-mauve. I want the look to be cozy in winter, but fresh in summer. Currently the walls in the entire house are off-white. Not me. Eventually I want to be able to change up a few accessories, window treatments, etc. with the seasons - light and fresh for the summer, heavier and cozy for the winter.

On to the boys’ room. Before we even knew we were moving from Smythe Street, Cole and I had discussed decorating the room he and Luke shared. He wanted a safari theme. It still hasn’t happened. I have however had more time to think on what I really want to do. I don’t want it to be too kid-like, even though the three boys are in there, so three ages. I want it to be something they’ll enjoy at least until they are into adolescence. I want to make rag quilts for their beds in tans and khaki greens.

If this baby coming is a boy, we will be building another bedroom downstairs. I think four boys in one room is a bit much! Anyway, if that happens, I will be decorating that one in the theme we had Brett’s room at Smythe Street. Initially it was Cole’s, but when Ellie was ready for her own room, we moved Cole in with Luke, and Brett into Cole’s room. It was gorgeous. I did a nautical theme. Navy, red and white. The room was perfect for it. It had really wide trim, painted white, and a navy wallpaper with a white pinstripe. I had bought some red/navy/white comforters at Marden’s a few yrs. ago and it was so cute. Add a few dollar store nautical themed knickknacks. For the record, it would be a little more convenient to have another girl, and just have her in with Ellie, but if that doesn’t happen we’ll have a really cute second bedroom downstairs.

Ellie’s room has been harder. I just can’t settle on a color scheme. I want to use pink in the room, but I don’t want a pink room. I really like pale greens. And I REALLY like yellow. I found a really pretty bedding set on the Pottery Barn website in yellow and white with tulips. I think I could do something similar to save on costs. And yellow with pink and green and white accents would be very girly without overdoing the pink factor.

I would eventually like to have a white easy wash slipcovers for the summer on the living room furniture. Some white breezy curtains, and our beautiful summer artwork we got last fall will give us just the feeling we want for the living area. I do intend to paint the cupboards at some point. They are a beautiful style, in oak. I know most people love oak - it seems to be THE finish to have, but I don’t care for it. I do however really like cream colored cabinets. We’re really trying to get a refined rustic cottage look here. We don’t want everything in wood finishes, but some is good. Eventually we want to add a piece on the back for extra living space with a big stone fireplace, post and beam style. We’d also like to add faux post and beam in the main living space. At some point we’d like to have more bedroom space, so we are talking about building a second level. I’ve always wanted a cape cod, so we’ll have to have some good discussions with an architect. When we add the post and beam addition, I’d like to get a HUGE dining table and put it where the living space is now.

Looks like we’re going to be busy for the next few years!