This is Cole at his birthday party. He wanted a sliding/skating/snowmobiling party. Basically outdoors. His birthday is at the end of January, which can make outdoor activities iffy. But even though we woke up that morning to -35 with the windchill, it got up to a balmy -7, and the wind calmed down. We did a cookout - hot dogs and hot chocolate. He was happy.

This is his cake. I made it. I was so pleased with myself. It took two hours to decorate. While Daddy was outside (til 11:30pm) flooding the skating surface in -20 plus windchill weather. We both still smile about it.

This is a snowmobile full of party-goers. That would be EIGHT children and Greg on for the ride.

The very happy birthday boy.

I always find it hard to believe that the supposed shortest month of the year is the longest. I can’t say that I’m sad for February to be over. I’m so looking forward to the countdown to spring. March Break is next week. Generally that doesn’t affect homeschoolers, but because my husband’s employment is with the school district, he has the week off. We are looking forward to the break. I’m not sure if we’ll be breaking much or working on projects, but being together, and not having a 5:30 wake-up call will be nice. I envy those who will be planting their gardens in March. We’ll have to wait until I’m either impossibly huge to do it, or home with a brand-new baby. I’m hoping we’ll get something in, even if it’s not much. It is our first year after all.

Here I am in my new home at Word Press. I really have limited (VERY) knowledge of the blogging world, and all it’s functions, but I thought I might give another host a try. So far I like it. Welcome to my new home!

We had our church up for a skating party on Saturday. I got soooo much done on Friday and Saturday. I wonder why I struggle to do that on a regular basis for my family? They are definitely worth it as much as guests!

The weather is decidedly warmer, quite nice. We have had several sunny days in a row, and I’m beginning to think spring really is coming. February is deceitfully NOT the shortest month.

We’re having a yummy roast beef dinner tonight. My kids gobble it up, and it’s fun seeing everyone enjoying their food so much.

Nothing big happening. Just every day life.

Nothing much to report from here. I did have a session with the counsellor from Family Enrichment. The conclusion was we didn’t solve anything, and there isn’t really anything to be solved. But she did just make me feel less crazy about how I’m feeling.

Today I go for the ever fun gestational diabetic screening. Fun fun. I exchanged airmiles for a $50 gift card for Chapters. It came in the mail yesterday, so Cole is pretty excited to go spend that today. Me too!

Brett is at Greg’s parents for a couple of days. I’m hoping to use this time to finish sorting the toys and books in the basement. Luke likes going on the van with Greg, so I’ll likely leave him with Greg this afternoon after my bloodwork, and get some stuff done!

That’s all my uninteresting news for now.

I’m tired. I’m physically tired for sure. Who wouldn’t be after 4 full-term pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, and 6 months into another pregnancy - in less than nine years? But I am also tired in non-physical ways.

Emotionally I feel drained. Please don’t need a lot from me now anyone. I need to find some breathing room. I am tired of being the one to do the “right” thing in every situation I find myself in. I’m weary of working through forgiveness. I am weak from caring for everyone else’s feelings when I’m walking through difficult stages of relationship with them. Not ever feeling like I can say what I really feel, or want, or hope. Because it might hurt them. Be better for me to be quiet and hurt myself.

Mentally I feel like I’m nearing the edge. I’m exhausted from analyzing, re-analyzing, and over-analyzing. What can I do to change the situation, relationship, circumstances? Where did I go wrong? What have I done to attract so much stress?

It’s too the point I have a hard time even telling my husband if I’m disappointed about something. Like my birthday for example. He took me away for two nights which was wonderful, but the things I specifically asked for didn’t materialize. So I’m thankful for two days of rest with no responsibilities, but I also feel like he didn’t really hear what I said. It’s not that those other things would have made or broken the celebration, it’s knowing that you’re really heard, listened to, and understood. Oftentimes I feel like this. Insignificant.

There is a weariness that can attach to your soul, at the very core of who you are, when you are hit with yet another emotionally challenging crisis, after barely recovering from the previous one. I suppose everyone has issues to deal with in life. It’s those that walk through these trying times with a whole support system around them that I envy. People they know love them unconditionally, no questions. People who have let them cry, and cried to them. When I observe families functioning in this manner, this void in the very centre of my stomach opens up again, and I ache with longing. Longing to know what it’s like to truly belong. We were all born with a NEED for family. My own family, husband and children, are truly the first time I can say I have fully felt like I’m safe. I do have moments of anxiety over what I would do if I lost any of them, but I don’t like dwelling in such a dark place. Instead I try to focus on what I DO have today. Until this family began, I felt as if I had nothing, no one, and that is not a feeling on which I like to reminisce long.

God established family first and foremost, and since the fall, we’ve all been wounded by ours. I can only pray and trust that as I invest and pour my life into my own family, that they will come out much less wounded that I could dream. To know that I’ve hurt my children the way my parents have, and continue, to hurt me, is unthinkable. Totally unacceptable. I will consider everything I’ve done to be worthless, if I have adult children that struggle with their years with me, as I have done so with my own childhood, and growing up.

I think I may never lose the scars. They say time heals. Time also brings new challenges and wounds. I just pray that my scars don’t leave me emotionless and fearful. That I will be able to continue to contribute in a positive way to those dearest to me. Those my heart loves more than ever.

So Greg, Cole, Luke, Brett, Eliana, and our new dear Babe coming, please forgive my shortcomings. I love you all so much it hurts. But it’s the best kind of hurt. I often mess up, and find myself exhausted trying to do things the right way, the way I was never shown. But I embrace that exhaustion as we continue walking this road together. I will never intentionally injure your hearts, but should I ever wound you, deeply or otherwise, please forgive me. You mean the world to me. My life would be so empty without you. As hard as things can get, as overwhelming as my emotions can be at times, I need you all, and love every day with you. Going to bed exhausted from my own wounds is tragic. Going to bed exhausted because I love you is, simply, a pure joy.

I did go to town. But darn I should have made my mind up earlier. With the few errands and then Walmart and then Sobeys…it was pretty messy on the drive home.

I made Greg a nice steak and baked potato dinner, then we had snow cream! I was also very surprised to find my house cleaned (it wasn’t bad when I left, but needed tidying) and a box of a dozen beautiful white roses left for me. Greg had come home when I left for town - Wednesday is actually the only day he could probably get away with this. So even though I said I didn’t care, I did enjoy them, and they sure a pretty!

Greg is currently blowing the snow, and the boys are joining him while Ellie naps. Which means a really nice quiet break for me. Naturally this involves a chocolate moment.

We have a heavy snowfall warning for the next couple of days. I’m not sure what I want the most. To get out of the house with the kids while I can, or stay safely inside in my jammies. I do need a few groceries, so I likely should go, but it seems like so much work. I likely will go.

We’re hoping that the snow means a day off for Greg. If not, I’ll be thinking with concern (not worrying!) about him the whole day.

Will likely give a better post later today.

P.S. Happy Valentines Day. I’m not in a mood to go crazy for Valentines Day. If Greg gets me nothing today, I really don’t care. This has got to be a first. Don’t worry. I still like him! I guess things have been so good lately that every day is Valentines for us. Maybe that’s the key to a happy marriage?!

Are there many other 30-yr-old women who have been around this mountain this many times? I am soooo emotionally and mentally tired of my father’s actions. After not getting much sleep Sat. night, or this past week for that matter, I called my dad yesterday morning. I had to tell him how I feel. He appreciated me telling him. But I don’t think it will make a difference. He had a bit of an edge to his voice that told me he has made his choice. So I’m trying not to freak out over what this could mean for me. She’s young enough to have babies - I don’t think I can handle having a half-sibling younger than my own children! And like I said before, Dawn and Carol, both nearly 30 yrs older than me, struggled with intense jealousy towards me. So how will someone my age handle me? I told him I don’t think he’s using wisdom. I told him I feel really ackward and hurt. I told him that when he initially asked me if he could bring Kelly to meet me, I thought what he was proposing had to do with her wanting to homeschool, and it was just a casual once-in-a-while meeting between him and her. That’s why I said yes she could come. But yesterday I told him no. And I told him to be careful. He said he would be, but I just feel that he’s already made his choice, and he’s going to pursue this relationship.

I came into church yesterday, and things there are difficult for me right now too. We have to have a talk with our pastors, and in the middle of everything I just feel overwhelmed. I just lost it. I have cried so much in the past few days - my eyes feel dried out and scratchy. But I feel like there’s more to come. I had an appointment with my counsellor from Family Enrichment scheduled for today, but she had to call in sick, so that won’t happen for another week. I’m disappointed. I really needed to talk with her.

So today I’m tired. Tomorrow some homeschoolers will be coming for a Valentine’s Day party. That will be a nice distraction. Today I’ll work some more on the basement, toys, books, etc. Lots to do, but so little energy. God, I need help.

I’ve been working all week, trying to tell myself that I overreacted to Dad’s announcement about Kelly (the new woman). Maybe I read way to much into it. Arguing back and forth. So tonight he calls me. Not unusual. We usually say a quick hello at least once a day. But tonight we’re talking about how our day was. I went first. Then asked him how he was. Great! He went for a drive down to Brown’s Flats and vicinity - with Kelly and Hannah (her daughter). yay. happy for you. Is now a bad time to start drinking?

I tried to post earlier today, but was trying to figure out how to link to an earlier post. Couldn’t figure it out, how to link. Anyway, I think it was Sept.’02. I posted about how I felt about Dad and Dawn, Dawn in particular. It wasn’t that I was totally unwilling to accept her. I just knew it wouldn’t work. And then we’d be where we are at now. And unfortunately, I was right.

Ok, if not drinking, then how about a few weeks away in some place warm?